On being productively unproductive
Getting something out of feeling bad about not doing the things you want to do.
For 3 and half hours, I’ve been unable to start any of the things I have wanted to do. It’s a peculiar and frustrating state. I have been in it countless times, but this time I tried to notice it more. As if standing outside and looking into myself. And now I’m writing this.
This particular state of not managing to really start doing anything might look like a lack of motivation, especially if you study my behavior, which is being restless, drinking coffee, fidgeting with the phone, or just being pacified in a chair or the coach. But the motivation is there; I know there are things I’d like and enjoy doing or having done. I really want to feel productive and being in the sense of flow. I WANT TO DO THINGS. So it’s not a lack of motivation. It’s a lack of executive function.
What lack of executive function means for me is that I can’t somehow decide to get started with something. I can’t make my body use its muscles to go where I can do the thing.
Some of you would call this procrastination, which often is a consequence of this. But I’m not procrastinating because I’m not really doing other stuff to avoid doing the thing. I’m not actively delaying it because I don’t really want to do it. Well, maybe I’m splitting semantic hairs here. It’s not that important. But I do want to get to the subtlety here.
It’s easy to start obsessing that you aren’t doing what you should or would be doing. And that is a negative feeling. To me, it feels like I’m disappointing myself (and others who might be relying on me to do some of the things I’m not doing). I suspect that sitting with that feeling doesn’t actually help either. Especially if it’s unpronounced. You feel bad.
So. What made me jump out of it and suddenly start typing out all of this?
I’ve been trying to notice more of how I think and feel. Noticing is definitively something that one needs to practice. Today it took me 3 hours before I realized I could be doing it. Sometimes I can catch it immediately. However, I started to notice and asking myself what kept me from getting started with anything.
It’s probably a mix of multiple things:
There are too many things I could be doing, and I can’t decide on one of them: writing, coding, reading, going for a hike, planning future trips, thinking how to go about fixing that thing I have wanted to fix for a while, thinking of cool ideas, meditate, or do some planning
I doubt that whatever I’m about to do will be any good
I’m not managing to gain clarity on how to get started
Something is really stressing me out or bothering me, and I haven’t really realized it yet
I feel I’m failing to live up to an obligation and the anticipated disappointment perpetuates a feeling of shame that definitively sucks the energy out of the body.
I’m actually tired and most probably should allow myself to rest and do nothing for a while
Regardless of what it is, it seems that it’s important to reframe what I’m going through. Instead of feeling disappointed that I’m not doing the things you want to do, I can start looking at this state as interesting. And then start questioning it: Isn’t it interesting that a generally productive and rational person, with a world of possibilities and almost no outside obstacles, is just stuck in this sofa? I wonder what’s going on there? That allows me to interrogate myself in a less judgmental way.
To be able to do this, I also need to practice some acceptance. Because I’m in a very privileged position, there aren’t really many things at stake besides me missing the opportunities to experience something better than slight anxiety and mellowness. It’s OK not always to be productive. What I’m feeling at this point is temporary. And if I can’t, for some reason, I can’t do the thing I planned. I might as well make the best of it and learn something about myself. Maybe I need to check in with myself.
I want to mention that the behaviors and feelings I describe here can also be recognizable for people who experience burn-out, depression, ADHD, and other life situations. I write and publish these reflections because I believe they can be helpful, but at the same time, I don’t want to claim to have the full or always applicable answers. There’re enough people on the web doing that.
So, if you don’t mind, I’d love to learn more about your experience of executive dysfunction, if you have experienced it.